Al-Gebra Arrest

At New York's Kennedy airport yesterday, an elderly individual later discovered to be public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

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Olga Alexandrovna Ladyzhenskaya

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales said he believes the woman is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. She is being "questioned" in Gauntanimo pending charges by the FBI which could include carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzales said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, George W Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."


PusBoy said...


Also, sad. Because, at first, I didn't think it was a joke. The first paragraph and the photo seemed very plausible to me in this day and age.

Pandabonium said...

Thanks, that is exactly the point, of course.

By the way, the photo is of Olga Alexandrovna Ladyzhenskaya (1922 - 2004) who really was one of the world's preiminent mathematicians.

You are obviously on top of this stuff, but I only just learned that in California, the Naitonal Guard set up a spy unit called (I am not making this up): Information Synchronization, Knowledge Management and Intelligence Fusion program, which has been monitoring the activities of the "Peninsula Raging Grannies", a group whose members have an average age of 72 years.

Reminds of the movie "Brazil". Scary times.

The Moody Minstrel said...

This is truly a classic, Pandabonium! My sides are aching...

especially since, like PusBoy, I took it seriously at first...till it hit me.

Anonymous said...

Jesus Panda,

That is a classic!!!! You are the new Dave Barry and Jonathan Swift.

I am sending the link to every one that I know.

Regards to the lovely Pandess and the canine critter.

The Em-ster has conquored "Red Shoes" and is on to another. Like daddy she loses things so we can't decipher the names any more.

Stuck on the mainland.

Ps Sorry, I meant "Bhudda Panda,!

Jesus, that just doesn't have the effect does it.

Pandabonium said...

Thanks all.

Buddha Panda? I don't think so. I won't make Buddha unless Amida Tathagata is there to take me to the Pure Land when I die.

Like most of my best work, the core is plagairism, albeit with a lot of my own embellishments and spin. Then again, when I look at the history of invention, literature, and music, I guess that's pretty normal.

I'm always happy to pass on a good laugh.

Don Snabulus said...

I'm about a week late in saying that was awesome. I wrote something similar about our Al Kader Shrine temple a few years ago, but I liked yours much better.